Today is the last day of my semester.
It was not a good semester, it was not bad either.
There were things I would have done differently since day one, but I can't change the past now, can I? And even if I can, I would never change it. "Never regret anything that once made you smile." In the last few weeks, I've felt as if I'm ready for a new chapter of my life. Somehow, this semester made me "grow up" and mature more than what I already was. I've learned to live with my angels and my demons, and to know when to listen to them and when to not. I've made new friends, lost a couple ones. I've found love, I've lost it, and found it again. I can't be more happy with where I am now. I see all my effort being rewarded, all my dreams getting closer and closer everytime.
I've learned that when you do something out of pure love, it will come out pretty good. I've learned that not anyone is to be trusted but that does not mean I won't trust the person coming after. I've learned that the only way of looking at life is through eyes full of color and beauty, and that even in the ugliest and darkest moments, there is always beauty and light. There is always something worthy of you being in there, in that moment, at that time, in that situation. Everything is worth it. Everyone is worth it.
I finally understood how to stop worrying and loving the bomb.
There are some songs that, no matter how old they are, you never skip. Maybe it reminds you of something or someone, or is just a damn good rhythm. But this is not the case with this one.
This song does not have a special meaning for me. It is not about someone, or something, or a special event, or something I can't seem to let it go. I have no idea why this song is so special to me. Everytime I listen to it, it makes me think, but I have no idea what I'm thinking about. I have no idea how I am feeling. I have no idea why this song stay in my subconscious ever since I listened to it for the first time in 2007. It is a complete mystery to me.
I can't believe how much I've changed since last Thanksgiving. I was insecure, unhappy, no confidence, no self respect, and I was living a life in Black and White. Today, I am completely the opposite. I have found myself, and it is not in the reflection of someone else, but in my own reflection.
Today, I look myself in the mirror and I love what I see. I am not perfect, but I'm not striking for perfect.
I love my friends, and I've learned to love my new family.
On Friday, we watched three movies: Brave, Elf, and Love Actually. I am in love.
In love with life. In love with laughter. In love with art. In love with rainy days. In love with him.
Somehow, in the past few months, I've found a way to see everything with a different light and, no matter how crappy it looks, it will never be something else other than happiness. Because, quoting one of my screenplays, "happiness is not a place to be. it's more like a state of mind."
Let Christmas come, my favorite holiday of the year.
Hello,
Hope life is treating you well.
Last night, I found myself thinking about you, and it hurt. Not as much as it would hurt if it was a month ago, but it did hurt a little. I guess that's how you feel when you have an unfinished business in the back of your head, and it pokes you once in a while, reminding you it exists.
I don't know what I did wrong, or if I did something wrong, but your silence makes me think I certainly did. Lucky me, I've lost so many people I considered important to be depressed over the fact that you left. People just... tend to walk away, and that's alright with me. I've came to accept that people will come and go, and only a handful (up to today, two) will stay in my life forever. I've never been a person of connecting with everyone. Truth is, when I was younger, I had to do some research on how to react to certain situations because I had no idea what to do. Once in a while, I will meet someone that I can truly connect with, and that person has always ended up walking away from me.
When I met you, I instantly felt that connection, and I was scared of letting you know of it. Mostly because I did not think I was able to see someone else walk away from my life once more. I've had a lot going on in the past three years of my life, and although to people (or you) it might seem like it could've been worst, it was pretty bad. I had the help of no one to hold me in my darkest days, and I went through it myself. I was the one who decided to get out of my bed everyday, even when my entire body just wanted to stay in there the entire week. So when the good days came, I was finally happy. I made it through, and I knew the only one I needed to make it on this life was myself.
As our friendship progressed, I grew scared and scared of the day I won't see you in school, or the day I would leave to pursue my dreams, or the day that you finally would walk down the path of everyone else. I was terrified, but the good times were more than the fear.
Out of nowhere, our friendship starting growing up into something else. It made me happy, but, ultimately, I wanted you to be happy. I guess you weren't. So you left.
I asked you one night what went wrong, and you never replied. Thanks for that. Thanks for not having the courage to tell me, to confront me.
And I thank you because you made me stronger. You might think I should hate you with all my life but truth is, I can't hate anyone. I don't hate you, I will never hate you.
With time, all I will remember would be the good times: our conversations late at night looking at the ceiling, the day I won at pool, the first day I talked to you, our days at the library, at the hookah bar, and the night I asked you, "so... are we okay?" and you looked at me, and replied, "yeah, why you ask?"