Today I've learned that I do fear death. Today I knew someone who died.
When my friend told me the news, I felt my body getting tense with terror. It is not the first time I get news like this. Earlier this year, I received similar news about a person whom I held dear in a corner of my heart. I am not gonna lie.
These people were not my best friends. Not even my friends. More like acquaintances. I am not going to say how wonderful they were because I haven't seen them for four years, maybe five. These were not people I hanged out with in high school, but they were people I knew. People I said hi everytime I saw them and I would engage in small conversation if I found them around. But I knew the people who were their friends. And I knew how close they were to them. And I can feel their pain from afar. And that pain breaks every single fiber inside me.
Once I said I wasn't afraid of dying. Maybe that's true. I am not afraid of dying. But I am afraid of death. Death terrifies me to my core. Maybe is because I am terrified of loneliness because people seem to walk out of my life more than I like. Maybe is because when I love someone, I love them with all that's left of me, and I would give anything for their happiness, and thinking of causing pain is out of the question. I don't know why. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Sometimes? Most of the time.
I hope their families and friends are holding up.
I am thankful that all the people I love are still around. The ones that are still around.
Rest in Peace.
PS: As I was writing the previous post, it came to my mind that, if I was a superhero, I would have the power of empathy.
Coming back to the place where you were raised should be a great experience. You get to see how much you've changed and how different things were back then For me it's a painful and strange sensation. I have so many good memories in this place, great moments, great people, great memories. But when I know everything I know now, I sometimes get angry at the fact that most of those memories surrounding my family were never true. I send most of the time back home wanting to go back to Boston, where all I can think of are the great memories, but not the one that got shattered years back.
Once I get here, everything comes back to me, good and bad memories, and I doubt myself if I ever want to come back.
A year ago, I would come here and spend most of the time trying to hide my anger, but I've learned to let it go.
I always end up coming back. And I'm pretty sure I'll keep coming back. The good memories overcome the bad ones.
Today is the last day of my semester.
It was not a good semester, it was not bad either.
There were things I would have done differently since day one, but I can't change the past now, can I? And even if I can, I would never change it. "Never regret anything that once made you smile." In the last few weeks, I've felt as if I'm ready for a new chapter of my life. Somehow, this semester made me "grow up" and mature more than what I already was. I've learned to live with my angels and my demons, and to know when to listen to them and when to not. I've made new friends, lost a couple ones. I've found love, I've lost it, and found it again. I can't be more happy with where I am now. I see all my effort being rewarded, all my dreams getting closer and closer everytime.
I've learned that when you do something out of pure love, it will come out pretty good. I've learned that not anyone is to be trusted but that does not mean I won't trust the person coming after. I've learned that the only way of looking at life is through eyes full of color and beauty, and that even in the ugliest and darkest moments, there is always beauty and light. There is always something worthy of you being in there, in that moment, at that time, in that situation. Everything is worth it. Everyone is worth it.
I finally understood how to stop worrying and loving the bomb.
There are some songs that, no matter how old they are, you never skip. Maybe it reminds you of something or someone, or is just a damn good rhythm. But this is not the case with this one.
This song does not have a special meaning for me. It is not about someone, or something, or a special event, or something I can't seem to let it go. I have no idea why this song is so special to me. Everytime I listen to it, it makes me think, but I have no idea what I'm thinking about. I have no idea how I am feeling. I have no idea why this song stay in my subconscious ever since I listened to it for the first time in 2007. It is a complete mystery to me.